Flying Spaghetti Monster is Gluten-Free!

Henderson fought to have The Truth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster taught alongside evolution and intelligent design in science classes. Henderson is the head Pasta of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Regretfully, it is clear that the church of FSM is becoming divided and as there are several offshoot denominations, weakening the body of carbohydrates.

The only true fact that all Pastafarians agree on is that the deity of FSM created the universe while drunk (explaining all the examples of unintelligent design).

Various sects have emerged - some claim that FSM is made of pasta and meatballs; others claim that it's lasagne. One heretic claimed that the FSM is female! Beware: these are not 'true' Pastafarians.

I am a recent convert to Pastafarianism, and like every zealous new convert, I have been baptised in the holy sauce - tomato pasta sauce - no it wasn't the natural salicylates that gave me a drug-like 'high'. I felt warm and tingly all over - it is my testimony that I was touched by the noodly one - it is proof that I received the pasta sauce and know the one true creator of the universe.

No-one has seen the FSM - the FSM is only revealed to those who seek IT (not him or her). FSM came to me in a vision and clearly revealed itself to me. If I wasn't so persuaded by all the other Pastafarians, I might have thought it was a bit crude how FSM revealed itself and showed me that it had was a hermaphrodite - just like Darwin's barnacles (which had penises up to eight times their length).

Don't ask we why a deity has sexual organs when it doesn't have sex, but we are made in the FSM's image (sort of), so stop asking difficult questions.

No, I studied the FSM closely, and in his glorious nakedness, it was clear that it was both male and female. Some cults arising from the church of the FSM have claimed that the meatballs are breasts and not testes. I can confirm that the FSM has two meatballs - one teste and one ovary. The most blessed creatures in all creation are the hermaphrodites, like snails (particularly those with pasta shells) and those that can undergo a spontaneous sex change, like the anemone-fish. These creatures are sacred hold the secrets of life.

Its Noodly Goodness, the FSM is also made from rice-spaghetti, not wheat. I know as celiac that gluten in wheat (and rye & barley) is evil. A tiny bit of contamination spoils all the goodness. It is very hard to cast out the spirit of glutteny. Only those that have been given the gift of the holy sauce can perform these exorcisms.

It doesn't matter that I'm a new convert - I've been anointed by the blood red sauce, and by the juicy flesh of the lamb (meatballs).

The cults believe that the FSM is made from duran wheat. This is a lie! Also that the meatballs are made from pork - another lie! Pork is high in histamines which results in allergy symptoms - a supernatural curse (like all illness is, particularly mental illness).

Those that claim the FSM is lasagne have been deceived. Watch you do not get deceived. Lasagne has cheese and I am allergic to cheese - cheese is evil, like gluten, and was cast out of pastafarian heaven when took on the vomit-like smell of canned parmesan - canned parmesan is a sin.

Help the Spagnostics be strong in their faith. It's not easy believing in the FSM, when it has revealed itself to just the chosen few. It's not easy when the FSM tests our faith by making the Earth look older than it is and littering the Earth with evidence of evolution.

It's not easy when there are anti-pastas claiming that Pastafarian heaven has strippers & beer volcanoes. Yes, Pastafarian hell does have strippers with STDs and stale beer. All those that reject the message of the Gnocchi will be cast into Pastafarian hell along with the anti-pasta and those that commit the unforgivable sin - blasphemy of the holy sauce.

Pastafarian heaven has wine - laden with salicylates, so we will always feel the need to worship our Pastadeity. The FSM approves of wine - he tells us to drink wine in his honour - it's easier to believe when we can't think rationally. Those that are Italian, Italian-lookalikes and those that can say 'al dente' qualify for Pastafarian heaven.

In heaven we will indulge in unadulterated mozzarella cheese, dripping on gluten-containing pizza crusts, with virgin olive oil, rich blood-red tomato sauce and ham and salami - without suffering allergic reactions. Sound contradictory? Who says religion needs to make sense. We believe what we want to believe.

I believe in an afterlife, where we have new bodies that are no longer allergic, and where we can eat what we want to with no adverse effects (except for getting drugged by salicylates, so we don't get bored & resentful worshipping the FSM for eternity), because in heaven, there is no sin. Who wants a heaven where you can't eat?

It doesn't matter that I haven't read all of the holy scriptures, the Loose Canon. I know in my heart that it was inspired by the FSM, contradictions and all. We all know that our hearts are for feeling and knowing, not the brain, don't we?

The 'swine' mock our beliefs and accuse us of being plagarised off other religions. I know in my heart of hearts (there is more than one heart - what would scientists know?) that the FSM has always existed, even before Henderson penned The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (not that I've read it, but it doesn't matter, because I've been touched by its Noodly Appendage).

Ramen