Never Had a Boyfriend

Yep, that was me. I'm still embarrassed to admit this now, even after I've been married for more than a decade. My husband was my only real boyfriend. I didn't receive my first kiss until I was nearly 22.

I remember being going to a pentecostal church in my uni days, one that had a large following of university students. Each week, several 18 to 20 year olds were getting engaged, to be married shortly after. This was in the early 1990s when people outside the church either weren't getting married at all, or were marrying later in life.

Before I met my husband, I'd never been kissed or even had a guy hold my hand. I was naive and idealistic- partly because of my sheltered pentecostal christian upbringing, and mostly from my undiagnosed Asperger's Syndrome, which I managed to disguise reasonably well.

My friend and flatmate, Vanessa* was never long without a boyfriend - she'd had several. She said one ex-boyfriend was shocked that I'd never had a boyfriend. I was humiliated she'd told people. Apparently the ex-boyfriend said I was attractive. He was hot. He was taken.

I didn't learn about the Asperger's until a few years ago, and figured that I must have been too ugly for guys to be interested in me. After all, a few people at school had told me so.

My only romance "experience" was the multitude of teen romance novels I had read. Unfortunately, they didn't help much, as I was pretty clueless at recognising signals like subtle flirting and attraction.

I'd never been in love, only had the odd temporary crush. I was lonely and wanted someone other than God to love me, really love me, to tell me I was beautiful, to marry me. I couldn't see God. I couldn't hear God. I couldn't feel God's touch. My faith in my invisible God ruled my life and lifestyle.

I didn't talk girly stuff with other girls. I didn't ask the christian girls how they came to acquire boyfriends. A few would toss their hair, wear tight and revealing clothes and laugh a certain way. Perhaps that was it? It didn't make me feel comfortable to try and imitate them. I didn't want to wear slutty clothes. There was no way I was going to deliberately act like an air-head. I was baffled by the whole process of sexual attraction.

Being a geek, when I wanted to know about dating, I read about it in a book. I read some christian books. Vanessa laughed about the dating books - but she didn't offer me any tips. She was older than me. She was experienced. She knew the secret on how to attract guys. When we went to a church ball, she was asked to dance by several males. No-one asked me to dance.

I was shocked about the content of the books and what christians can get up to when dating. I was even more shocked when I overheard christian teens talking about how they messed around - like pretty much everything but intercourse.

Vanessa broke up with a really nice guy and was not single for long. She put a cartoon on the wall of our all-girls flat. It was a skeleton with a handbag sitting on a park bench, covered in cobwebs. The caption said, "waiting for the perfect man." Vanessa was searching for "The One." I wasn't even sure if "The One" existed for me. I'd never even paired up with "Any One."

A pastor visiting our church said a "prophesy" for me. He said "don't be tempted by worldly guys, but wait for the man that God has prepared for you." I was such a prude, I couldn't imagine being tempted by anyone. Males never showed interest in me anyway. I'd certainly never experienced "fireworks". But, being a committed believer, I clung to those words. If they were true, God was going to give me a godly man for a husband.

I didn't know much about sexual things when I was a child. No-one talked about it. Euphemisms were used - "whistle" or "diddle" for penis and "fanny" for girl's genitals.

I had sisters so I didn't have much opportunity to see penises. I remember the boys next door peeing over the fence and thinking the flaps on their penises were pretty gross.

When I was 6 or 7, I went to stay on Toby's farm. We had baths together, and we compared genitals. Toby had a "whistle" and I didn't.

Toby and I laid side by side in a cot together, naked. I wondered if this was wrong, because we were "sleeping together." I'd heard that phrase somewhere, and wasn't sure what it meant, but knew it wasn't approved of.

As a teenager, I was reintroduced to Toby. We didn't say much. I'm not sure if he felt guilty or embarrassed like I did. Or maybe he just didn't remember me at all.

When I was about 8 years old, teenage male aged around 16 years babysat me and my sisters. I remember playing hangman and couldn't guess the word. It was 'sex' and I thought - that's a rude word, but had no idea what it meant.

He sat on the couch and was cuddling me. Then he unzipped his trousers and pulled out his erect penis. He instructed me to hold it. I was a little apprehensive, but figured it must be okay, because my parents had left us in his care. I thought it was kind of funny how his penis sprung back when I pulled it and let it go.

He took me to the bedroom and asked me to remove my panties. He bent down to look at my 'fanny.' He had a peculiar half-smile on his face. He kept wanting to look and I started feeling anxious. I told him to stop and said I was going to tell Mummy. He said, "no don't do that, it's our secret." I carried the guilt of that secret for years - I thought it was my fault.

To this day, I have blocked out his face, but I know which boy in my older sister's class photos his younger brother is. I can also remember his mother - what she looked like, her first name and that she played netball. I remember going to their house a few times, and watched them draw up insulin for diabetes.

When I finally told my parents when I started cracking apart in my late teens, they were apologetic and said they didn't even think that boy was still alive (might have died from diabetes).

At around the same age, I discovered that if I crossed my legs in a semi-standing position, then I had a very pleasurable feeling come across me, making me grunt away. I had no idea that I was experiencing an orgasm every time I did this. I was horribly embarrassed when years later I figured it out. I'd been told that crossing my legs like this was the reason I had bowed legs.

When I was 11, my best friend was Kaylee, an attractive, flirtatious girl that had big boobs. She was popular with the boys. We had fun chasing some boys trying to whack them with our rulers. Kaylee had a boyfriend, Johnny. I phoned Johnny and asked if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said yes. Kaylee was mad at me for a few weeks, but then we were best friends again.

Kaylee seemed very sexually aware. She did some things that made me feel uncomfortable, like pash her 5-year-old brother, and have him hold her boobs.  To this day, I wonder if Kaylee was sexually abused.

Johhny walked past my house after swimming training. I would run out with an ice-block for him and we would walk and chat. He gave me a locket and a potplant. That was the extent of our relationship.

Some school friends thought it would be fun to have kissing sessions. As art monitors, some of us had access to the artroom at lunchtime. Several excited 11- and 12-year-olds sneaked inside. I wasn't very excited. They were expecting me to kiss Johnny - or rather pash Johnny for the first time, in front of an audience.

Kaylee and some of the other girls pashed boys - tongues and all. It looked disgusting. I watched uncomfortably as they demonstrated their movie-star skills. Johnny and I were pushed in front of each other. We stood about two feet away from each other, embarrassed. We laughed and walked off. We didn't lock lips. We didn't hold hands. Ever. I cried when Johnny dumped me.

Some of the students reported that they had groped each other in the toilets. I was rather shocked. I couldn't imagine letting any boy putting their fingers where they weren't wanted. I learnt what some few vulgar terms from the other students. I'm not sure how they knew these things. I was a good christian girl, and fairly sheltered and naive.

When I was about 14, I found myself checking out a boy in music class. Greg had brown eyes and blonde hair. I didn't usually notice what colour eyes people have, as I don't tend to look at people's faces (typical of people with Asperger's Syndrome - that's one of the reason's subtle communication signals are missed).

I can't remember how it came about, but officially, he became my "boyfriend," - in name only. I was allowed to go to the school social with Greg. At the social, I had a new party trick - if I mouthed the words, "colourful", the boys thought I was saying, "I love you." It was a great joke. When we got home, my sister told our parents I had been flirting with the boys and I got into trouble.

Greg invited me to play on the computer at his house. I was not allowed to go. I was not allowed to spend time with boys. They "would take advantage of me," I was told, but exactly what "taking advantage" involved was not discussed. I thought this was grossy unfair.

Greg and I made a plan to meet in the gully to kiss - I wanted to know what it was like. The only kisses I'd had were wet, sloppy, revolting kisses from relatives at weddings. We met in the gully and stood there for a while - just like with Johnny. I was too gutless to try and kiss him.

Then someone else turned up, I breathed a sigh of relief and we had an excuse to abandon it. Once Greg tried to hold my hand - I was embarrassed, and pulled away, and ran to catch up to a female friend. I can't remember who dumped who. I don't think it was me.

Sometime later, a girl from my class rang to inform me she'd played tonsil hockey with Greg. "Greg's a great kisser, isn't he?" she said. "How would I know," I said, "we never kissed."

During my high-school years, I went from becoming a christian to a "born-again" christian and become even more careful to screen out any thoughts about boys. Thinking about sex was equivalent to having sex, according to Jesus. I loved Jesus and I didn't want to give into temptation. Not giving into temptation didn't require much effort. Boys weren't very interested in me anyhow - I was a skinny geek with braces and glasses.

There was minimal sex ed at school - a little bit tacked onto the science class in the reproduction unit. In the test, I couldn't remember the term for condom, so I called it a joey. I learnt about menstruation in science class too. All I knew was a period was something I wanted become a woman, but once I got it, it wasn't so exciting after all.

My friend, Tania was going out with an older guy, Shane. Shane helped run youth group. Youth group had lots of fun outings. Shane took me for a ride on a motorbike at a camp - I was on the front in charge of the steering and throttle and he was on the back handling gear shifts. Shane drove a van around in circles with a rope tied to the back with a donut with youths on the back. It was wild, it was fun - that's about as wild as it got being in "on fire" for God.

Shane and Tania were often lying together fully clothed, pashing and groping. It made me feel uncomfortable - disgusted even. They may has well been having sex with their clothes on. At least get a room so the rest of us didn't have to see it. I longed for a boyfriend, but some of the physical acts repulsed me - I didn't even enjoy hugs, how would I cope with being intimate with someone?

I didn't get asked to go the school senior ball. Tania suggested I ask Matt. Matt was very quiet and kept to himself in class. Matt accepted. He was quite good looking, but there was no spark and he wasn't an option anyway as he wasn't a christian. He phoned a few times afterwards.

The following year, I was surprised to actually get asked to the ball. I was suspicious, "why do you want to take me?" "Neither of us have partners. Someone to go with," he said. I agreed to go.

When Tania and Shane broke up, Shane went out with a few other girls from youth group. When mum said he was interested in me, I freaked out. I don't to go out with someone that's already gone out with everyone else. I don't even find him remotely attractive.

I felt awkward with Shane from then on. He sat next to me. I ignored him. We didn't speak. Some time later, he approached me in church, to ask if I had a boyfriend. I said there was someone I was interested in, which was true. I was truthful to a fault and was glad I didn't have to tell him that I was "free and single" or even worse, tell a lie.

When Tanya became pregnant out of wedlock, her family were deeply ashamed. There were plenty of other pregnancies out of wedlock in our church too - I got to hear all about the "shame their parents experienced with their children going off the rails."

Years later, I learned of an secret abortion in God's "flock." It was secret, because they knew pregnancies were too shameful. I guess pregnancy proved that they were having sex. I wasn't having sex. I didn't even get to first base. I didn't even know what first base was.

I worked at McDonalds during university holidays. Last time I'd seen Jesse was when he was in my class at primary school, when we were about 5 years old. Now we were both around 19. He was a bit of a 'bad boy' - he smoked and liked to get drunk - neither of which I'd ever done.

He called me 'Darling' - being a smart-arse I thought. 'Here's your burger, Darling,' he'd drawl & emphasis the word darling. He only acted that way to me, not any of the others.

When I was by my locker, he'd call from the lunchroom 'Darling...do you have any cigarettes?' I thought he was showing off to the others in the lunchroom, so I replied in the same mock affection tone, 'No, I don't, Sweetpea. I don't smoke.' There was sniggering in the lunchroom.

Another time, I was in the lunchroom alone, and he came in and started chatting to me, being more 'normal.' Then, instead of going to the men's changing rooms to change into his uniform, he casually stripped off to his underwear in the lunchroom. I pretended not to notice.

I was scooping up french fries, and he came up behind me and grabbed me around the hips, startling me, yet triggering a pleasurable electrical sensation. I'd never had that happen when someone touched me.

Another time, I turned around after closing my locker and he was standing behind me and he fell towards me, slamming his hands into the locker on either side of my head. His face came close to mine and then he pulled away. I just stared back.

I went back to university, baffled by his behaviour. I was too naive and clueless to see he had been flirting with me, and he must have thought I was a strange girl, being unresponsive to his advances.

University was a chance for me to leave home and spread my wings and enjoy more freedom. I was still heavily involved in christianity though. I made lots of male friends at university, both christians and non-christians. I'd still never had a boyfriend.

Hans was tall and blonde, with Dutch ancestry and very respectable. My father was blonde, Dutch and very respectable. Maybe that's why Hans and I clicked - he reminded me of my father. Hans invited me out to the movies. It was supposed to be a group outing with two romantically involved couples, including Vanessa (translation: christian date that wasn't called a date). In the end, one-and-a-half couples pulled out and I went to the movie with two males - Hans and his friend minus the girlfriend.

The movie was Dancing with Wolves starring Kevin Costner. There were some romantic scenes. Despite being a serious scientist like Hans, I was a romantic at heart. Hans made a comment during a sexually intimate scene, something like, "cover your eyes." I wouldn't have objected if he brushed my hand or kissed me. He didn't. Nothing remotely romantic happened. We were always just friends, that eventually drifted apart.

Months later, Vanessa told me that she and several people were certain Hans and I were going to get together - apparently it was obvious we liked each other. It hadn't been obvious to me. I doubt it was obvious to Hans either. Vanessa was curious to why we didn't end up a couple. I had no idea.

Josh was a sweet christian male a few years older than me. We were both studying chemistry and were musicians. We also both had smiles plastered permanently on our faces. He taught me a few things on guitar and bass guitar. I already played piano, and it was easy for me to pick up the riffs he taught me. He commented, "you'll make a hot bass-woman."

I had a secret crush on Josh occasionally, just like with Hans. Nothing happened. Hans was a version of my father. Josh was a male version of myself.

Hans is still a christian and has a wife and several children. Josh is also a christian and never married - he's still waiting for God to provide the woman of his dreams. I suspect the woman of his dreams will remain that - in his dreams.

There were a few creepy christian males that were interested in me. One was a very good-looking teen of Italian extract with a creepy personality. He turned up to my flat and said it was possessed by demons. He was deep and intense and was always talking about demons and lust which I found disturbing. Pentecostal christians believed they could cast out demons - the fallen angels of Satan - it was something I always found creepy - I started to become paranoid demons were lurking everywhere.

Another was a much older man, Dwyane, a scientist with a PhD that associated with the younger people in the university group. He had an odd manner which make me feel uncomfortable, which I can't put my finger on - like he was very inhibited and not embracing his masculine side. Plus he must have been nearly twice my age. He left a note on my door with a bag of plums telling me to arrive at his house for dinner at 7pm. I didn't turn up. I've since learnt that he has Asperger's and bipolar.

A lot of people with Asperger's Syndrome never have a romantic relationship and never marry. Dwyane's Asperger's was far more obvious than mine. I was a pretty good actor and could act bubbly even and smile all the time, even though I am an extreme introvert. I didn't know about AS then. I don't bother smiling all the time anymore - I have a neutral face most of the time.

There was a nice non-christian boy, Chase, that asked me out on a date - to see Pink Floyd. I'd been taught all secular music was of the devil, so I politely declined. Plus, I thought it was pointless dating pagan boys - I knew I was not to be "unevenly yoked with unbelievers."

I didn't feel attracted to people easily and I've only been "in love" a few times.

My first love was Daniel. Daniel played the drums. I'd been wanting to learn to play the drums for years. Daniel was tall, dark and handsome and was a pentecostal christian. He told other people I was a "hot christian." I didn't realise I was smitten with him until after we'd been friends for over a year. He was the closest male friend I'd ever had. "Closer than brother and sister," he'd said. Once I was brave enough to ask if he thought I was attractive. "Definitely," he said. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside when he said that.

He had short curly hair. I wondered what it would have been like to stroke it. I kept my hands firmly to myself. We'd hugged a few times, that's all. Just like lots of christians hug each other. I was scared to admit my feelings to him. I was scared he wouldn't want to be my friend anymore, if he knew I liked him more than a friend.

Here I was about 19 years old, with the sexual immaturity of a 13-year-old. Daniel lived by the coast where my family took summer holidays. He said he wanted to catch up over the university summer holidays. Next time I went on holiday to the beach with my family, I contacted him. He invited my family to church.

After church, I went to the beach with him and his friends. I sat on the beach with the girls and all the boys went out to sea with on their surf-boards. It sucked. My parents were mad with me for ruining their day over a boy. Dad teased me calling Daniel's name. Mum told me not to waste my time on a boy that clearly didn't love me back.

Mum walked into my room when I was having a pleasant dream about Daniel. Mum said, "This room is so warm and full of love. Have you been praying?"

Back at uni with Daniel, I was hoping romance would blossom. I was waiting for him to make the first move. I wasn't the type to throw myself at guys.

Unfortunately, at this time, I was starting to become ill. I was developing anxiety and depression from an illness that would go undiagnosed for years. I felt like I was going crazy. Daniel was scared off - he was hot and cold for months.

I told him to stop messing with my head - was he interested in me or not? It was coming up to my 21st birthday. Daniel confessed he secretly went out with another girl and had considered going out with me on the rebound. He told me I wasn't wife material. The next girl he wanted to go out with was for marriage. It wasn't me. The end.

I was deeply hurt by Daniel's rejection. I sobbed to Vanessa and another friend. The pain of rejection affected me for years.

He married Vanessa, who was on the prowl for a male that wanted marriage. Vanessa said God brought them together. Given Vanessa's track record for snagging any guy she pursued, I was doubtful that God had much to do with it.

Years later, Daniel asked me in front of Vanessa why I no longer went to church. I felt upset and didn't want to talk about it. He asked, "Is it because of me? It's not that I don't find you attractive...." I felt even more upset. Vanessa sat there looking unconfortable. Here he was flattering himself by thinking I rejected church because he rejected me. I hoped Vanessa gave him a clip around the ear-hole.

What a dork! (Daniel, not me).  I came to understand that people can be attracted to others for no rhyme or reason.  Something had attracted me to him even though rationally, he wouldn't have made a good husband for me.

I was ill with depression for a long time. I had to quit university. I was too sick to work. I still believed in God but I was experiencing a lot of hurt in the church over my illness, which was the beginning of my deconversion from christianity.

I gave up on guys - they weren't worth the heartbreak. Also, what sane male would be interested in me when I was now an emotional wreck?

My teenage nephew has a girlfriend. It's kind of sweet. I've never met her, but have seen their pics on facebook.

How did I end up marrying a fantastic man and have his baby? Was he a man of God? He was top of his class in scripture at a private Anglican school he went to for few years, and his nana wanted him to be a minister - so he jokes that's close enough. He's been the best thing to come into my life. Our son inherited Asperger's Syndrome.

Finally ending up in a relationship and marrying a very kind and decent man? That's another story.

*names have been changed